The Dawn Approacheth

It's late, and I should be getting to sleep very soon as I need to up early tomorrow, so why am I still up? Well, I've been wanting to get my feelings out all week but given the mountain of stress I've been dealing with in the shape of my dissertation, I simply haven't had the time/energy/motivation to do so. Now, however, I am free (not of the mountain of stress known as my dissertation; that's what I have to be up early for in the morning: to hand it in at pretty much the ass-crack of dawn....I'm joking, it's 8.45am but to be honest that's the earliest I'll have been out of the house since I got back). I am here now to recount a little of how the past week has gone.
I have endured no less than 3 breakdowns trying to get this thing knocked into shape, but fortunately I have had Jackson, my dad, my wonderful uni friends (a lot of people) to help set me back on my feet, put things into perspective, or at least tell me it's going to be ok - that I'm going to be ok.
I have been going out in the mornings at around 9.15 for a half hour walk around the local cemetery, mostly to clear my mind before I got to work, but the walk helped me as I wouldn't be getting much movement in stuck behind my desk for 12 hours on and off. Also, I was on the hunt for a grave whose occupant had died the day I was born and though I came close with November 13th and some from 1992, none had both. Oh well.
I am aware that I may have: anxiety, OCD, depression - any combination of these - and it's shown in my inability to get much work done in a long space of time, in the waves of doubt and fear that have plagued me, in my eventual breakdowns, shaking, and despair. I never could have seen this happening to me two years ago - I mean, first year essays were a breeze in comparison - but at least I haven't quit yet. In spite of everything, my stubbornness has proven an asset in that regard.
Oh but I guess I should also tell you how my mood changed so rapidly between yesterday and today. Yesterday, all I needed to do was look over my chapters, as I had yet to read them as a whole, and write my conclusion. I had intended to start writing my travel article for tomorrow's class but as time slipped away from me a little, I figured I'd do it today. I went to bed feeling happy that today I would be pulling everything together and it would all go smoothly. Then this morning, I woke up dreading it all. I realised I had missed out so much that I wanted to include, like my reference to H R Giger's work. Consequently, I spent the first three hours writing 150 more words and stressing over how to cite an image, before I was ready to start compiling everything. Cut to 4pm, another three hours later, and I've only reference-checked my introduction and first chapter, and I'm starving myself. 20 minutes and one fish pie later, I'm back at it. Finally, another four hours later and I'm done. It feels good, but obviously I am so nervous at this stage. I leave my wallet behind, convince myself I didn't need it anyway, then find out it's £11 (!!!!) to get two dissertations hard-bound. And to add insult to injury, I'd already (somehow) printed both copies double-sided meaning I needed to waste another £4 (yep, four quid for 40 pages) printing them again, this time single-sided. So not only did I only have £2 left on my card but I had no other way of paying so I had rush back home. The silver lining, however, was that the security guy at the counter helped me do my binding and he was very kind about it.
I submitted my online copy when I got back, so apart from the actual physical monumental hand-in tomorrow, I am free of this seven-month heartache. It is a bittersweet heartache though because I have enjoyed researching, reading, learning about my topic, and though I still feel I didn't even scratch the surface on understanding fully what I was getting into, it has been a fun investment. And one I hope to see pay off a month from now.
Ok I have said my piece. It's time I was filling my friends in on what has happened to me before I go to sleep. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. Wish me luck (as I always seem to need).