The Dawn Approacheth

It's late, and I should be getting to sleep very soon as I need to up early tomorrow, so why am I still up? Well, I've been wanting to get my feelings out all week but given the mountain of stress I've been dealing with in the shape of my dissertation, I simply haven't had the time/energy/motivation to do so. Now, however, I am free (not of the mountain of stress known as my dissertation; that's what I have to be up early for in the morning: to hand it in at pretty much the ass-crack of dawn....I'm joking, it's 8.45am but to be honest that's the earliest I'll have been out of the house since I got back). I am here now to recount a little of how the past week has gone.
I have endured no less than 3 breakdowns trying to get this thing knocked into shape, but fortunately I have had Jackson, my dad, my wonderful uni friends (a lot of people) to help set me back on my feet, put things into perspective, or at least tell me it's going to be ok - that I'm going to be ok.
I have been going out in the mornings at around 9.15 for a half hour walk around the local cemetery, mostly to clear my mind before I got to work, but the walk helped me as I wouldn't be getting much movement in stuck behind my desk for 12 hours on and off. Also, I was on the hunt for a grave whose occupant had died the day I was born and though I came close with November 13th and some from 1992, none had both. Oh well.
I am aware that I may have: anxiety, OCD, depression - any combination of these - and it's shown in my inability to get much work done in a long space of time, in the waves of doubt and fear that have plagued me, in my eventual breakdowns, shaking, and despair. I never could have seen this happening to me two years ago - I mean, first year essays were a breeze in comparison - but at least I haven't quit yet. In spite of everything, my stubbornness has proven an asset in that regard.
Oh but I guess I should also tell you how my mood changed so rapidly between yesterday and today. Yesterday, all I needed to do was look over my chapters, as I had yet to read them as a whole, and write my conclusion. I had intended to start writing my travel article for tomorrow's class but as time slipped away from me a little, I figured I'd do it today. I went to bed feeling happy that today I would be pulling everything together and it would all go smoothly. Then this morning, I woke up dreading it all. I realised I had missed out so much that I wanted to include, like my reference to H R Giger's work. Consequently, I spent the first three hours writing 150 more words and stressing over how to cite an image, before I was ready to start compiling everything. Cut to 4pm, another three hours later, and I've only reference-checked my introduction and first chapter, and I'm starving myself. 20 minutes and one fish pie later, I'm back at it. Finally, another four hours later and I'm done. It feels good, but obviously I am so nervous at this stage. I leave my wallet behind, convince myself I didn't need it anyway, then find out it's £11 (!!!!) to get two dissertations hard-bound. And to add insult to injury, I'd already (somehow) printed both copies double-sided meaning I needed to waste another £4 (yep, four quid for 40 pages) printing them again, this time single-sided. So not only did I only have £2 left on my card but I had no other way of paying so I had rush back home. The silver lining, however, was that the security guy at the counter helped me do my binding and he was very kind about it.
I submitted my online copy when I got back, so apart from the actual physical monumental hand-in tomorrow, I am free of this seven-month heartache. It is a bittersweet heartache though because I have enjoyed researching, reading, learning about my topic, and though I still feel I didn't even scratch the surface on understanding fully what I was getting into, it has been a fun investment. And one I hope to see pay off a month from now.
Ok I have said my piece. It's time I was filling my friends in on what has happened to me before I go to sleep. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. Wish me luck (as I always seem to need).

Back From the Dead

If I said I didn't mean to drop off the radar, I'd be lying; it's been a tough week trying to get through my dissertation edits and I didn't really feel like trying to keep track of my successive failures. I may finally be getting a better handle on things now though, hence why I have decided to return to my blog. This is in no way an extensive run down and reflection on the days that I've missed, it's simply a 'Hey, I'm still alive - my dissy hasn't killed me (yet)' post. I should *fingers crossed* have this second chapter edited (for now) by this time tomorrow - though with Jackson coming to visit one last time before I go back to Plymouth on Sunday, I can't absolutely guarantee it if my brain decides to go for a walk. That does leave me with Saturday but I would much rather dedicate that day to packing, finishing my food article, considering poetry ideas (general non-dissy uni stuff) and spending just one day enjoying my father's company WITH the new Nintendo Switch he decided to buy. Yes, I wasn't too happy with his decision to buy it based on the simple fact that Jackson had one (he brought it here on his last visit) but now that we have it, I can see once Dad gets a better command of it, he should be able to relax more. Plus, I do really like playing with it. Anyway, better be getting back to Vampire Diaries now. I'm wearing my 'Keep Calm and Adore Klaus' shirt too!

A Ruff Day

I'm not going to go into how difficult it has been to face the next chapter of my dissertation so I will simply use today's entry as a way to talk about a few of my thoughts on the new stop-motion animation film Isle of Dogs that I went to see today.
I hadn't read too many great reviews about it - and needless to say, my sister and dad's reaction to it confirmed that - but for me, I think it was a great piece of animated cinema. The plot was clear from the start (even with a few awkwardly placed flashbacks) and very engaging too - I mean, whoever thought that a film about a kid going to look for his dog on an island of trash could be so exciting?
The fact that most of the humans' voices were in native Japanese with a few English translations/voiceovers didn't detract from the comprehension of the overall story or the individual situations. Meanwhile, a few of the dogs were even voiced by major actors like Bryan Cranston, Bill Murray, and Scarlet Johansson (wanted to include one of my favourite actresses, Tilda Swinton, in this list, but I don't remember hearing her character speak). There were definite moments of verbal and physical humour too so, in spite of the often serious subject matter, there was also room for laughter. Additionally, the ingenuity when it came to finding materials to create explosions and smoke was amazing!
I could say more but for now, I will simply say that, I have found myself still thinking about this film, and that's usually a sign that it had an impact, so who knows, maybe I'll end up buying it when it comes out on DVD (I like to have a unique movie collection after all).
Anyway time for my regularly scheduled episode (or two) of Vampire Diaries - a good way to take my mind off the less enjoyable aspects of the day.

One down, I don't know how much to go

I'm here early because guess what? I have my first dissertation chapter edited - at least for now; there is every chance I will need to change something about it nearer to submission day. I don't have too much of an idea what needs changing about my second chapter other than the need to integrate my sections on Isaac Asimov's I, Robot, rather than simply sticking them somewhat awkwardly at the end of each section. BUT I just hope it isn't any harder than this chapter has been. I have managed it in a total of five days so I hope this next one turns out to need the same time, meaning I can work Wednesday to Saturday, take Sunday off, and finish on Monday, then jump into the final chapter this time next week. That will be a Tuesday to Friday - probably can't get it all done in that time - leaving me with the weekend to relax, pack and go back to Plymouth, then finish it on the Monday. I think that's a good plan. Anyway, I'm gonna go watch some tv with my dad now, 1 hour before we potentially head to bed and I can have my own tv time with Vampire Diaries.
As to my plans outside dissertation work, I ideally need to get a draft of my food article written during my free time on Sunday and/or next Saturday; it's my dad's 68th birthday tomorrow so we're going out for a film and Nandos; and I'm looking forward to Sunday which will potentially be a day with Jackson and friends. Info pending.

An Alternative Anniversary

Well contrary to popular belief i.e. my own, today was NOT dedicated to my wonderful anniversary - though that was still a part of it. Whilst waiting for the dear boyfriend to arrive, I got a little bit of food article prep done before he appeared, looking rather dashing in a soft dark blue turtleneck. And in exchange for the Rick and Morty cap and t-shirt, I received a cute pair of jeweled crescent moon studs and a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin in its own metal presentation tin. Sweet! BUT given that 1. we both weren't feeling that great 2. the weather wasn't great and 3. my dad and sister were going to see family that I hadn't seen in three years, we both (probably before we'd even met) decided we could postpone our celebrations for another day. So I got to see my wonderful aunt, uncle, and cousins after all. We spent a chatty, cat-filled 6 1/2 hours in their home in Essex and that time just flew by! So now I'm back in my bed, ready for more Vampire Diaries, having indulged in some insane conversation with my cousins, some quality time with a cat, and some loving home cooking (cottage pie and chocolate trifle) from my aunt. Not to mention a day off from serious work - which begins again tomorrow (oh joy)

The Power of Two

So, it took me about 2 hours to get up this morning (alarm went off at half 7, didn't get up til gone 9), a further two hours to get ready (breakfast, shower, and dressed), a further hour to put myself in the right mindset to even contemplate work (which included helping my dad and sister chop up branches trimmed from our immense Bramley apple tree), and then another 2 hours before I even put a single new word on the page. That amounts to a lot of wasted time. Yet somehow I just about managed the 2 pages of edits I wanted to get done today (just about - that's the key words). Fortunately, I have tomorrow off as it's my three-year anniversary with the wonderfully charming Jackson. And yeah, I knew I wouldn't find the time to wrap his presents so I'm just going to have to throw them in a gift bag with some tissue paper... And no card! Damn, I am slipping, aren't I? Well it's all part of life, I guess. Better go now; got more Vampire Diaries to catch up on!