The Flaw

I guess I should've seen this coming. Despite following my apparently 'better' pattern, I am now struggling to make any decent head way with my dissertation edits. This may be because I have no target set unlike when I was writing a few days ago - so maybe I need to do that from the start to give myself an [achievable] goal (yes, it will have to be realistic though small or else I will probably just end up beating myself up when I can't make it). So tomorrow, I am aiming to edit 2 1/2 of my seven pages (but realistically that will be 1 1/2 pages). I may revise it in the morning but that is me being realistic. Anyway, we went to Bluewater this morning (very early) to have a French brasserie breakfast, buy some stuff and try to wake up brain/body up. Can't say it worked.... And if I have nothing to do the same for me tomorrow, I am feeling doubtful about that too. But I need to try. I need to get this first chapter done by Sunday (ideally but not realistically). So I'm going to go watch some Vampire Diaries and try to forget about it for now. Got to prepare a stew in the morning though so maybe that might help. Wish me luck.

I fixed my work ethic with a gratuitous amount of killing

Hey, I'm back with updates. So I'm half way through my course of Zovirax for my cold sore and it is definitely looking better so I can only assume it will be gone by this time on Thursday. As to my tablets, I'm almost 20% of the way through my new course, and feeling an improvement. The swelling and pain in my cheek and chin has reduced by about 40% (rough estimate). So yeah, I'm on the road to recovery. And, with the aid of my dad's wonderful pork chop roast dinner, I managed to finish the draft of my final dissertation chapter today too. I think I am onto a winning work formula here: morning out of the house to get my body moving and wake my mind up so I'm ready to face whatever needs to be done in the afternoon. And with the incentive of a movie/sweet treat in the evening (plus not having to cook - may need to figure that out when I'm back at uni) I have the necessary boost to get finished. And here was me thinking - like I said since I got home - that this holiday would ruin my work ethic; if anything, it's fixed it!
Today's 'incentive' by the way, was John Wick. My dad has been going on about it forever so, with my sister's word that it is good, I gave in and watched it. And I have to admit, despite the gratuitous amount of killing (which neither of us could keep a count of), it was a well shot, generously cast, and gritty piece of cinema (oh dear, the inner film critic is coming out). Not to mention the pretty epic soundtrack which included Marilyn Manson's Killing Strangers, a song from his 2015 album, The Pale Emperor. So yeah, including this morning's trip to a garden centre which yielded a cream tea and several pies (the apple ones we had for dessert and they were such crumbly pastry goodness), today has been good. My sister comes home tomorrow preevening (I've mentioned this already but you know I'm excited to see her) so I'm hoping that makes for a good day there too.
I will let you know how it goes.

Feeling Better (at least, mentally)

So update time! I'm honestly surprised how well I'm coping mentally here. I thought coming back home - health problems aside - I'd be struggling to get any work done but somehow I'm striking a perfect balance. My dad took me to book a dental appointment this morning and I got seen only 3 hours later. This resulted in a referral - by the dentist who previously refused said referral - to get my problem wisdom tooth removed. This won't be at least a month unfortunately, but provided the [new] antibiotics and cold sore cream and antiseptic mouthwash that I'm using do their job, I should be better in around a week's time - just in time for mine and Jackson's 3 year anniversary <3 he's home from the skiing trip now meaning he'll want to meet up soon. With this cold sore and swollen face I'm feeling less than presentable, hence the desire to heal quickly.
But like I said, health problems aside, I'm reaching (and often exceeding) my self-assigned word counts for each day, starting around 1 or 2 in the afternoon and working through (with a break for dinner) until around 7 or 8 in the evening. Having dad cook for me is such a help too - and such a pleasure. Of course, I can't wait to see my sister again too. Haven't seen her since Christmas. And she's due home Wednesday preevening (it's a word coined by The Big Bang Theory and it is possibly the most relevant word I know). So yeah, I'm exceeding my own expectations in several ways right now and it's doing my mind a world of good. I'm going to catch another episode or two of Vampire Diaries now but I shall hopefully return with another update tomorrow.

Things could be worse - but this is still bad

I am not going to lie: things could be worse right now. But at the same time, they could be miles better. Since Friday I had an ache under and along my right jaw, and since then it has swollen my jaw, and my lack of immunity has meant my cold sores have gotten infected too. So I had to go A&E today (perfect thing to do the day after you get home) and I am now on antibiotics, pending a visit to the dentist as we believe it is a dental abscess. This isn't impacting my dissertation work as much as I thought it might - and if anything, the focus on my work is probably taking my mind off it - but I am still going at a ridiculously slow pace.
I am putting here that I want the draft of my final chapter done by the time Sarah gets home on Wednesday which is completely doable so long as I can get the last 500 words out by then. I managed approx. 240 today which puts me in good stead, but I can't say this streak will last.
Dad making me dinner made me feel a lot better mentally though (honestly, you do forget how much you appreciate someone else cooking for you when you do all the cooking yourself). I just need to smile - as best I can with an aching jaw - and remember those sunny days and that I'll have Jackson back soon. I unfortunately can't kiss him with his bloody cold sore but we will make do. It's our anniversary soon. Here's hoping things look a little brighter for me this time next week.
I'm going to go now, and relax for a bit before bed. I'll get back to you soon with any crucial updates. #positivementalattitude

Quick Update

Well, only 2 1/2 days left to go before I'm off home for Easter. Today's poetry presentation went smoothly enough - thank God - I managed to complete the draft of my professional writing reflection, and I even got in another 2 episodes of Vampire Diaries.
Tomorrow is promising to be a hectic one, however, what with submission of said professional writing work, a dissertation meeting, continuation of said dissertation, sushi, and Julius Caesar. Plus I need to start packing so I have enough time to relax a little on Friday. I hope to be able to write again before I head back home, but if not, it's okay. I'm getting by. I'll be back soon.

My Last Ever UPAD Showcase 2018

Today had not been the best so I will overlook it in favour of yesterday which also wasn't that great, in places. It was the showcase I had been dreading after all.

Having arrived on time, there wasn't a lot of hurry to start rehearsing, which meant I was left sitting around playing games on my phone until finally we started our warm-up session. This was perhaps the first bad part as Jenna and Lewis both ended up getting panic attacks after being yelled at to join in. Once upstairs in the Green Room (our assigned dressing room), with two walls of windows, it began to snow rather heavily. Beautiful given the amount of windows we had to view the city from. This was good and bad in turns: good because, yay snow and it was mesmerising, but also bad because, in this part of the country, bad weather spells disaster for any organised event meaning our audience was smaller than usual. 

When it came to our rehearsal slot, we were plagued with technical difficulties, from sounds playing at the wrong time or not at all, to lights being off when they should be on, the latter causing me to be literally ran over by Connor. I thought at first I'd knocked a tooth because I could taste blood and it hurt, but fortunately not. I was still left feeling exceedingly panicky after that. So I cheered myself up a bit with cut-price M&S sushi rolls and mini eggs. However, by the next rehearsal - just of that badly messed up chase scene - things went a lot smoother. The same could be said of the night itself, though we still had a few initial lighting problems, but I felt it went alright. I wear my bruises with some degree of pride at least. 

By the half way interval, I got curious to see who from UPAD past had turned up, and ended up ambushing my first director Alastair. Love him so much!

Fast forward to the after party at PL4 and things started to get pretty crazy. 

Once the party moved to the downstairs area, giving us our own bar, I danced with several friends, had a few drinks, and then we moved onto another bar nearby. I stayed here until 4am. Yep, took me until third year to decide I would voluntarily stay up that late. Needless to say, it impacted on my mental performance and window of time to work in today, but it was a night out that I remember, enjoyed, and did not regret, which is sadly a change from the usual social nights out which have often ended in tears or vomit. 

Anyway, I have some Netflix to get back to, so I shall keep you posted on my progress.

The Briefest of Reviews, The Coldest of Days

Good evening. It's the weekend once more, which means the showcase and now upon me. But I can't say I'm really ready for this, and neither is the weather which, for March, is feeling like Winter turned up late. Or, as I saw in one online post, it's like Winter refuses to let us have the final word and keeps coming back to continue the argument.
That, however, is going way off topic. What I mean is that tomorrow we may end up having a reduced audience due to the potential impact of another snow flurry. This also means we may have to do another showcase. Not sure how I feel about that, I mean, I've enjoyed every showcase I've been in - except for this one - and now this will potentially be the only one we do twice.....
Ok I'm going to stop moaning about that and get onto last night, which was pretty freaking awesome.
I shall briefly review it.
Arrived at The Junction at half 7 on the dot, secured my £4 pint of rhubarb cider - as desired - and settled back to wait for the first support act to step up to the mic. They were Pretty Idle which, even before they'd supplied me with this piece of info, was Pretty Accurate. They were young, mostly wearing hoodies and sweaters and jeans, and while they had some decent tracks, I just couldn't get into them. I'd usually compare these bands to other bigger bands that I know but as I can't remember what they sounded like, I can't do that.
The second support act, however, Moorhaven, made themselves memorable for several reasons:
1. I knew one of their guitarists, Lewis Gerry, who is a former UPAD member
2. Their singer, Steve Barrett, has the most impressive vocal range I've ever heard live, managing the deepest death metal roar to the highest throaty shriek. Like I said, impressive.
3. I could identify a few bands I know in their sound, but I won't list them because they're always the same and I guess it shows I don't have as wide an understanding of music as I thought - or I'm just having trouble remembering it exactly.
Anyway, they started up their own mosh pit which got Pretty Wild (haha) at times and threatened the structural integrity of the crowd. But soon, they were done too.
We had a bit of a wait for Korn Again, but I'd already recognised The Bitch's oddly shaped wooden case on the side of the stage so I was super excited to see them open it up, bring her out, and then promptly hide her from view. When the band finally stepped up though to the visceral tones of It's On, the energy in the pit almost never ceased. They powered through tracks like Here to Stay, Freak on a Leash, Falling Away From Me, Shoots and Ladders (with the bagpipes, no less), and were prepared to close with Blind, but after a resounding chorus of 'Encore', they obliged with Faget and Word Up. I got the bravery to go up and ask to touch The Bitch (which is a beautiful rendered replica of the real H R Giger mic stand owned by the real Jonathan Davis). I decided I needed to leave then, slowly wending my way home in the chill, ears ringing (as they still are now).
I'll never stop loving the commitment of tribute bands like these guys.
Now, however, I have to go. I'm aiming to fit in one episode of Vampire Diaries before I turn in for the night. Need a decent amount of sleep if I'm to be ready for a 10am start tomorrow. Oh boy.

Getting into Old Habits

Looks like I let time slip away from me again. Well, I can't stay for long. I finally decided to start re-watching Vampire Diaries which now has all 8 seasons on Netflix. Yes, that's a lot of episodes to get through but I guess if I can find the time each night to watch at least one then I may be in with the chance of finishing it all before I have to go back home in June. Anyway, as predicted, I wasn't able to get as much of my dissertation chapter done by Tues/Wed as I'd have liked (just under 1700 to be exact), but at least my presentation group has been pulled together and a poet decided on, AND I have made the choice between my two Professional Writing reviews for my submission a week today. AND I have typed up my eel poem for The Guillemot Press - though I'm far from happy with it. So yes, I have made some progress, just not as much as my perfectionist brain would have liked to have done.
Tomorrow, I am being forced to wait for a new tumble dryer to be delivered before I can go do some poetry research at The Mad Merchant but then, come the evening, I have Korn Again at The Junction so, if I'm lucky, I get to have my Old Rosie rhubarb cider again (yay!)
Ok, time to go, I'm losing time for more Vampire Diaries.
Until next time - which probably won't be until Monday what with rehearsals and the showcase on the weekend.

I am the rabbit, you are the rain

It's late, things aren't great, but I'm hanging on. That was almost a full three-word rhyme. Nevermind. I don't have time to say anything much except that rehearsals are going okay (note the reluctance to use any overly positive word) but we're starting to feel like our play just kind of....well it sucks! I'll be blunt. Everyone else's plays gets the laughs (Ant and the Colony) or is suitably dramatic (Rabbit and the Rain) or just damn theatrical (Sell Your Bodies) and then there's us, Animalistic Intentions - how do we describe ourselves? We're overly cheesy, poorly staged, and I'm covering my legs with bruises with the amount of times I've had to trip and fall on carpet and hardwood flooring. The actual show is a week today and I still have so much work to do, but today has reminded me just how much like Rabbit and the Rain my current state of mind is. I don't want to unburden myself here because I know no one reads this and I will just be wasting my time when I should be sleeping, but....I think there is a part of my mind that likes feeling this way.
No, got to stop this.
Tomorrow is classes once again and I'm definitely fighting the clock now with my dissertation so it's just full steam ahead, keep my head up, and stay positive. I've made it this far. No going back now.

The more I ignore it, the closer it gets

So, I guess I should've expected this result. Only around 240 words on my dissertation managed between 9.45am and 8.15pm (excluding the rehearsal time between 1 and 4). But I managed to have a bath to calm me down a bit after that, so I'm not feeling as bad I might've been. I'm only keeping this short because I have two reviews from friends to read for Professional Writing on Monday.
Today was, as I mentioned, half day tech rehearsal for next Sunday's showcase. Due to my limited number of lines, I haven't forgotten any - which is good - but the amount of times I've had to trip and fall today has left me with a decent number of bruises on my knees (should've got those kneepads!) And I've got to do it all again tomorrow.....and Tuesday....and next Saturday (I've been told) and Sunday. My poor bones!
I'll let you know how tomorrow goes, rehearsal-wise as well as how much more of this infernal essay I get done. I'm taking my laptop in the vain hope that I'll find some time to work on it, though if the last Winter showcase was anything to go by, I can see my laptop being ignored until I get home at whatever time things are wrapped up by. See you then!

Raining in my Heart

It's always odd how my mood can turn, usually based on the weather or what I'm having to do on that particular day, but predictably, my mood has - with the weather - taken a turn again today.
Having finally satisfied myself that my first poetry assignment was good enough to submit, I was packed and ready to leave for The Mad Merchant and an afternoon/early evening of coffee, reading and writing. Of course, it had to decide to rain today. This wasn't really a problem because it wasn't overly windy - which I hate especially on rainy days - but yeah, the bleak skies didn't exactly fill me with joy either.
So once I had ploughed my slow way through next week's required reading for poetry - which is still happening despite the deadline that very day - and polished off my first large Americano and an egg, mushroom, balsamic tomato and reggae sauce broiche bun (I've mentioned this beautiful creation before), I needed to focus on writing a poem about eels.
I chose to start this task with a seven-minute free write - as I hadn't done one this morning - which could help spark ideas for how to approach this poem. 3 hours later and I had about 3-4 stanzas done after much hard thinking and my second large Americano. I had meant to finish it tonight but, given the news that I now have until next Friday to complete it, the feeling of being creatively worn out and therefore deciding not to finish it, is justified. So until another day.
Tomorrow I must expend as much energy as I can afford on getting my dissertation chapter to around 1150 words before 1pm. This is because I have my first tech rehearsal for next weekend's showcase. Looking forward to Sunday's full run-through more though, despite it taking away valuable writing time. I will see you then, hopefully.

You are my Sunshine

I am happy to report that the bread has indeed come home, as has the milk. I went out this morning to get some food and the Co-op lorry was out back making its long awaited delivery. So tomorrow, I will have cereal once again. You may laugh, but there is something very satisfying about a fresh, cold bowl of milk and cereal to start your day. And tomorrow will be a good day because I have many tasks to do which I hopefully will complete.
It's been a tough few days so far, trying to get my dissertation chapter as close to done as possible (I am, as of right now, only at 920 words), but if I can find the time, I aim to push that to 1000 by tomorrow. Additionally, I have written up my first poetry assignment and aim to submit that in the morning once I've edited it. Then it's just reading and looking over other people's articles before our group discussion on Monday.
As for my weekend? That's occupied with two things: showcase tech rehearsals and dissertation, a bittersweet mixture if ever there was. On the one hand, yay, I get to see the other plays at last (I didn't get to see the other plays in full for the Winter showcase), but boo, I have to try and scrape myself up to 1500 words on my dissertation. But I have been feeling a lot happier today, especially while walking to and from a workshop on job applications and networking. I had my music playing, the sun was sitting lower in the cloud-dappled blue sky, and it was neither windy nor cold: the perfect start to Spring. It makes me feel more confident about these next few months to know the sun will be out and my mum, yes, she'll be watching. 60 she would've been this Monday coming. I'll be sure to make her proud.
Anyway, tomorrow, I hope the weather is nice for my afternoon of reading at The Mad Merchant. I will let you know how successful I am. For now, I have a poem about eels to write for the Guillemot Press. 

When Will My Bread Come Home?

Hey, I'm back! It's been another Monday and you know what that means: busy day! I stayed up a little late last night getting my cut-up poems together (think, classic kidnapper letter-style poetry, except less 'I stole your kid, gimme money' and more 'These words make no goddamn sense, has this guy never heard of 'to' or 'of'? Haha I can make a dirty poem from fishing terminology' - catch my drift?) and so I had to type them up this morning. Fortunately, I didn't make myself late to class in the process, and what a surprisingly interesting class it was.
Today's focus was food writing, so everything from restaurant reviews to sharing recipes to even writing a profile of someone in a restaurant while simultaneously critiquing the food. I think Kathryn (our lecturer) and I have that in common - our love of food - but then, who doesn't love food? We need it to survive after all. But obviously, I have a closer relationship with food now given that I, firstly, have to cook for myself here at uni, and secondly, had to learn after mum passed, meaning food is very much my way of connecting with her. I might consider doing some food writing in the [near] future if things work out and I have a bit of time.
Rest of class was workshopping our reviews, so I got some feedback on my The Post and Clockwork Canaries pieces. I got a mixed response so that means I still can't decide which one I'm going to use for my first assignment and will need to figure that out for next week.
During my lunch break, I got talking to my friend Hannah about secondary school teachers, which is always a fun topic, especially when I get to talk about the wonderfully camp Mr Palm (how I miss him) or the scary beardy Mr Reynolds or Mr Fearn, the spitting image of Jesus!
With that joyful break over, I came to my second class of the day: Poetry. Time to see if my efforts would pay off. My 'cut-up' poem based on the words from Charles Causley's 'Plymouth' (the poem with no 'to' or 'of' in it) was relatively well received, as was my previous poem about things I know (inspired by Walt Whitman's 'Song of Myself' and Sujata Bhatt's 'What is Worth Knowing') called My Blue Period (this might be a working title). So yes, a fulfilling and informative class it was. Which only left me to make a beeline for the Co-op to stock up on essentials - of which there still were none. The recent bad weather has meant no deliveries have been able to reach the city so no fresh bread, vegetables or milk for the last 3-5 days. I hope this doesn't last too much longer. I love my avocado-egg-toast too much! I will let you know how things go as and when they DO change - and I can have cereal again.
For now, I need to go rehearse my lines for the showcase before getting to bed. 

I drank some wine, I wrote a review, it was good

Another day, another glass of wine. Ok, if that were every day, I wouldn't be so enamoured by the stuff - and neither would my liver. But that's beside the point. Another day is over and I don't really have a lot to show for it other than a plan for my final dissertation chapter which I am about 80% happy with, 110 words to start it, and an 800-word review for last night's show Clockwork Canaries at the Theatre Royal. I have only seen two other reviews and neither were too pleased with it, either because it was just that bad and I haven't been doing this shit long enough to know it, or they're just very picky critics. Either way, I have made my contribution.
Tomorrow is another day when I hope to reach the 20% mark on my dissertation chapter, get some laundry and cut-and-paste poetry done, and maybe make a stew? (That reminds me, I need to get chicken out for that - and put the leftovers of today's spaghetti and meatballs away - later). For now, it's living on that cheap wine high and chill beats. It's been an ok Saturday really. Someday - some day - I might get the hang of this blogging thing. I don't want it to be like a diary, rather just somewhere to put my memories of life (so yeah, maybe it is a diary but there are no secrets here, obviously).
I will hopefully report back with good news tomorrow, but I think sleep is in order right now. Later!

It's all just wasted time

I shouldn't have expected anything less from a day when I have nothing to do but work. It only lets me become complacent that I'll have more time to get things done, when in actuality, I don't. Get as much done as if I'd left the house for 3 hours - about the time I spend at the Proprietary Library (which I haven't visited in weeks!) So you can tell, I'm slipping further and further behind on my dissertation with every passing day. Would you like to know what I DID manage today? A long overview of two online books (Friedrich Nietzsche's The Will to Power and Ernest Becker's Denial of Death). I guess I shouldn't beat myself up over progress - of any kind - but obviously, I still have no solid plan, and I would like to start writing this final chapter (final! it's so close now) by this weekend.
In other news, it's still snowing. I managed to get myself to Aldi this morning and, despite spending over £30 in one go (there was meat and a bit of alcohol), I ensured that I wouldn't need to go out again - at least not for anything major - for another week. Made myself a rather green curry, though did forget to buy more spinach.
It has occurred to me, on a much happier note, that I should be able to write a list of all the stuff I want to do in my free month at the end of this academic year (and my degree) so might consider that once I'm in bed soon. Oh, and, due to having written my review for next week's professional writing class last week, I don't have to fret too much over the writing side of things. And I have finished the reading side too. So onto poetry tomorrow! I have a deadline in just over a week!